Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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