He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
