Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
