Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
