just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Randomize
