her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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