I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
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