you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
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