i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
