I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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