dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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