There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
