i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
