how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
