mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
