thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
