im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
