I'm so fucking centered right now
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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