life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
