Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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