My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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