I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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