thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
