dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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