Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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