I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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