If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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