the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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