It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
