I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
