i just wanna soil my oats bro
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
