don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
