Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
