If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So squirting runs in the family.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
