Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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