Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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