turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
