May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
