My hand turned me down
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
