I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
