I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
