drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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