I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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