So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
