i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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