so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
