my phone needs a breathalizer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
