plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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