I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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