I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize