i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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