dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
