and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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