I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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