I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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