Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
