finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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